MarySues Run Amok
by The Sky Pirate
Summary: A gift for all you fellow Mary-Sue haters. Enjoy. Flamers will be mocked and ridiculed.
1. MarySue vs Ryoma, Sakuno and Tomoka

Mary-Sues Run Amok By Saeka  
  
A/N: Yeah...this is more of a 'for fun' fic. Don't take me seriously. I'm just venting my rage at the overpopulation of Mary-Sues. Maybe there will be more chapters with Mary-Sues vs another character.  
  
Mary-Sues vs Ryoma, Sakuno and Tomoka

::ding ding::

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Ryoma sipped casually at his Ponta. It was an incredibly hot day. Tennis practice had ended a few minutes ago and the young man had bought an icy Ponta to cool down. He narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Knees bent," he shouted out casually at the pig-tailed brunette who was chasing after a tennis ball. Cheh, he thought while downing some more Ponta, this sucks.  
  
Suddenly, a young girl materialized into the air in front of him. She had amazing silky black hair and stunning purple eyes. She had the perfect hourglass figure that most girls only dreamed of and was wearing a halter top and low cut jeans.  
  
"Oh great," he snorted while taking another sip, "another one of them. This one's just mada mada compared to the others though."  
  
"Oh Ryoma!" she sighed loudly while clutching her chest, "At last, we are reunited once more! I've but dreamed of this day for years and years. How I've missed you, my love!"  
  
The boy gazed at her indifferently before returning to his interesting drink.  
  
The strange girl simply stared at him for a moment before letting out a long wail.  
  
"You're not supposed to do that!" she shrieked out angrily while stomping the ground with her tiny foot, "You're supposed to remember that I'm your long lost childhood friend who's actually Eiji's younger sister and Tezuka's love interest!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Ryoma while lifting an eyebrow, "Eiji doesn't have a younger sister like you and Tezuka is void of all human emotion."  
  
A single tear dripped down the girl's cheek.  
  
"Oh, my dear Ryoma," she said while placing her hand on his cheek, "They've brainwashed you, haven't they? I know who did that! It was Sakuno, wasn't it?!"  
  
The girl pointed an accusing finger at Sakuno who had been concentrating on her practice the entire time.  
  
"E-eh?" Sakuno opened her mouth in surprise, "Ryoma-kun, another one?!"  
  
"Ho ho ho! It is I, Kagura!" said the girl loudly while doing a small mad dance, "I know you're trying to steal my Ryoma away from me, Sakuno! I KNOW!"  
  
With this, Kagura leaped into Ryoma's lap who spluttered and choked on his drink. Hugging his head close to her, she pouted and glared at Sakuno.  
  
"You cannot stop us! Our love will continue on through the ages!"  
  
"N-nani?! This one's more persistent than the others," Ryoma said while desperately attempting to pull Kagura off who was now trying to slobber all over his face. He was beginning to think that she was a complete loony.  
  
"A-anou...love throughout the ages...? That was...more original than the others I suppose.." Sakuno said while biting her lip, "Why do they always claim that I don't suit Ryoma?"  
  
"That's right!" shrieked Kagura more crazily at Sakuno, "We are in love! We're going to get married someday right after I defeat all of the other tennis teams single-handedly with my amazing moves and charmingly good looks. And then...and then we're going to live in a little house by the sea and have lots of little children...and..."  
  
A stupid grin spread like butter across Kagura's face as she continued on. Ryoma, however, was absolutely horrified inside at the drivel this girl was spouting although the feeling never surfaced to his face.  
  
"Of course, I'm better than Ryoma at tennis," she said while poking her tongue out between her cherry red lips, "Oh yes, and I'm more sharp than Fuji...better than Eiji in acrobatics," she was counting on her fingers now with each impossible attribute she gave to herself, "faster than Kamio the speed devil, and much better than Tezuka in tennis because he's just completely in love with me. Well, almost everyone in Seigaku is but they're all jealous because I chose Ryoma."  
  
Sakuno noticed Ryoma give a small eye twitch. She also noticed Tomoka approaching with a fiery and evil aura around her.  
  
"What...are...you doing...with...my Ryoma-sama...before demanding MY permission as president of his official fanclub?" hissed out Tomoka angrily while gripping a steel pipe tightly, "Damn it, I can't stand you Mary-Sues that are running rampant through the city..."  
  
Kagura let out a small squeak before cowering and hiding behind Ryoma.  
  
"Save me, Ryoma! Save me! Those girls are trying to kill me because they're jealous that I'm your girlfriend," she whimpered while sniffing melodramatically into his shirt.  
  
"May I take care of this one, Ryoma-sama?" said Tomoka with an evil tone. A sadistic grin spread across her face.  
  
"Douzo," said Ryoma nonchalantly while throwing out his Ponta.  
  
Kagura's screams could be heard reverberating off of the Seishun Gakuen school walls.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

a/n: Ah, much better. At first, I wasn't really thinking about posting this because I normally don't do any humor fics (I'm not very good at them). ( Oh, I just love killing Mary-Sues.


	2. MarySue vs Inui

Mary-Sues Run Amok By Saeka  
  
A/N: I was trying to imagine the Mary Sue vs Inui. Rofl. I guess this is for the type of Mary-Sue whose life is absolutely miserable and overdramatic, no one appreciates her until miraculously a character learns to love her...blablabla...  
  
Chapter Two: Mary-Sues vs Inui

::ding ding::

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
"Ii data..."  
  
Inui scribbled into his ever-present notebook while observing Osakada Tomoka beat the crap out of another Mary-Sue that had wandered into the Prince of Tennis world.  
  
"Mary-Sues seem to be some sort of strange breed of monster,"he mumbled while jotting down quick notes, "it can be safe to say that many people hate 'Mary-Sues'...this can be useful if we manage to somehow plant a few of these girls in other school tennis teams as weapons..."  
  
The door suddenly slammed open and an extremely beautiful girl stepped in daintily.  
  
"Inui, my love, it's me, Mayu," she bit her light pink lower lip and sniffled loudly, "the yakuza...they're after me!"  
  
Inui mumbled some more as he neatly printed "tends to be delusional" in his notebook.  
  
"Are you listening to me?" she squealed impatiently after a few minutes of complete silence save for Inui's pencil scratching against the paper, "The yakuza are after me! They sent me a warning slip!"  
  
She shoved a piece of paper under his nose. Inui skimmed over it incredulously with his eyes.  
  
"One," he stated in a matter-of-fact fashion, "the writing is written in pink sparkle pen. Two, judging by the small hearts on the i's, this isn't written by the Yakuza. Three, you signed your own name at the bottom."  
  
"That's not important!" she cried out, perfect face burning red, "We must escape! We must run from the city! Elope! Flee!"  
  
Inui raised an eyebrow. Mayu stomped around angrily, fuming. Tears were streaming down her overly perfect visage. Her teeth were so white that they reflected off more light than his own pair of glasses. She had probably blinded a few people with her glinting teeth too, he noted as he saw a freshman crawl past the open door clutching his eyes and screaming.  
  
"Don't you know I'm dying, Inui?" she asked while sobbing loudly and throwing herself on the floor, "I have cancer, a brain tumour, a fever, heart problems, fainting spells, insomnia...my father beats me...my sister is dead...I'm anorexic, everyone mistreats me because I'm so much better than them...oh boohoohoo!"  
  
Inui inched past her shaking form on the ground, hoping to be able to sneak past her and run for his life.  
  
"Inui, I love you!" she cried out while miraculously lifting off the floor and flying into his arms.  
  
Inui turned around sharply as soon as he saw the girl leap into the air. He almost burst into laughter when Mayu crashed ungracefully to the ground.  
  
"No!" she shrieked angrily, "You're not doing what you're supposed to do!"  
  
Opening Inui's laptop, she quickly navigated through the internet to...fanfiction.net!  
  
"Read this," she said huffily while putting the laptop in his hands.  
  
Unnoticed by anyone, Inui's eye twitched under those reflective glasses as he read an excerpt from a sloppily done and extremely out of character story.

**'I luv u, Mayu' sed Inui wile he kissed da pretty gurl 'marry me' Mayu, 'I cant, Inui. I'm dying but our luv will alwayz live on' Perfect dropz of watur ran down her perfectly rozy face and perfect beautiful sparkly eyez. Her perfect fingerz wipez away da teer.**  
  
"This is..." Inui racked his brains for the right word to describe the horrific bit of writing. No word in his extended vocabulary could quite describe the utter...terror of this...one paragraph...  
  
"Kiss me, Inui!" cried out Mayu while launching herself at the data freak again. Inui calmly placed a hand on her forehead as soon as she was close enough. Holding his arm out straight, she wasn't able to reach him but instead remained there, drooling and flailing her arms. Pinching her nose tightly, he poured down his latest concoction down her throat. To his surprise, the Mary-Sue shrieked and was reduced to ashes.  
  
"I call it...Inui's Hyper Flaming Juice..." he said while grinning maliciously,"Kanpai!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A/N: It sucks, I know. ::hides in a corner and cries::  
  
Review responses  
  
Aiko Midori: I don't mind if you decide to post the link in your livejournal. xD Maybe I can get more reviews? drool lol  
  
Sakuyachan: eye twitch One should be careful not to write any Sakuno- bashing around HER lmao  
  
Reader and Chrysan: I'm glad you feel the same way I do about Mary-Sues. Muahhahaha...  
  
Thanks to beriath, Sakuyachan, Chrysan, Ale-chan, Syusuke-kun, Aiko Midori, Reader and Cinpii for reviewing!


	3. MarySue vs Tezuka

Mary-Sues Run Amok by Saeka

A/N: Guess who's back from the dead? Dun, dun, dun….After much thinking, I've decided to choose Tezuka as the next victim of the dreaded…American exchange student Sue! Grargh! The horror!

NB: I'm not trying to insult authors who have made the mistake of writing Mary-Sues but merely poking fun at the Sues themselves. Most authors have no idea what a Sue is, unless they are lucky enough to have found out before writing one. Please remember that, as much as Sues might be amusing for oneself, they always steal the whole purpose out of fanfiction. Actually, I suppose I'm making fun of the authors that don't put any effort into their work whatsoever as well, what with using chat-speak and using script format. Ah, well..

And now on to the story!

Mary-Sue vs Tezuka

::ding ding::

The steady hollow sound of tennis balls bouncing across the court could be heard clearly to all those within the vicinity. Kunimitsu Tezuka breathed in long, calm breaths, sweat dripping off his brow from the training, before placing the heavy tennis racquet down.

Grasping a nearby towel, the captain dabbed at his forehead tiredly. Taking a sip from his bottle, Tezuka headed for the water fountains, hoping to be able to wash his face.

Supposedly there had been problems with strange girls nick-named, "Mary-Sue" running around campus. The captain's lip turned down, almost in a scowl. Whatever those young ladies were doing, they'd best not disturb the tennis team.

Tezuka removed his glasses carefully, wiping them on the towel before placing them onto his towel which was neatly folded on top of the fountain. Bending down, the young man splashed cool water onto his burning face, feeling refreshed almost immediately.

His hand reached up to paw for his towel to dry his face. Feeling it being handed to him, Tezuka gave a small frown before relaxing. Why was he so tense? After all, it had to be…

"Ah, thanks, Fuji."

"Nono, silly billy. It's, like, me, don't u get it? Omg, Tezu-chan…how culd u hav 4gotten?"

Tezuka gave an unvoluntary twitch at the sound of the high-pitched squeaky voice, Inui's voice coming to him again.

_One way to determine a Mary-Sue is by the amazingly limited vocabulary…not to mention the chatspeak. Remember to ignore your natural instincts, Tezuka. These monsters are dangerous. Do NOT run. I repeat, do NOT run. They can smell fear.._

Standing up, Tezuka wiped his face clean before reaching for his glasses. After placing them back on his nose, he almost immediately wished he had not. Before him stood a girl with the largest eyes he'd ever seen. It could be said that they occupied almost eighty per cent of her face, sparkling a bright, hurtful pink before morphing to purple…and then green…and then red…and then…

"Can I help you?" he asked indifferently, a stoic expression on his visage. It could be said that Tezuka was a brave young man. Or he could have been incredibly thick. Either way, the girl's radioactive eyes did not seem to faze him at all.

The girl gave a small wriggly dance, as though she were a wet noodle, which was what she partially seemed to be. Seeing as she was wearing a skirt that could have passed as underwear and fishnets, she could have been mistaken for a prostitute. Her shirt was skin-tight; it was a wonder how she was able to breathe in the thing. Her ankle-length hair was a horrid jet-black that made it seem as though she'd dunked her scalp into a bucket of paint.

"omg! Ur such a cootie!11 Tee-heez0rz lyke lol!11 so lyke im frum americA n lyke im an xchange student but lyke i cam here b4 an lyke we d8ed 4 awile but tehn i had 2 go bak hom coz i had 2 particip8 in this tennis tournament taht we were supposed to both go 2 but them u werent axepted coz u werent as gud as me so lyke here i am."

"…."

"omg, well? Aren u gunna say somthing 2 ur long-lost gf? Lol!"

"....Perhaps you could repeat that again…but slower…and with periods, semi-colons and commas."

"…wat?"

"Firstly, I am much too occupied with my tennis to date anyone so how could we have been going out together in the first place, anyways?"

"O ya. The name is Desiree by the way. i went 2 ur last tourney byt then u saw me in teh stands an was so overcame by my owesome beooty taht u abandoned teh game and wanted 2 d8 me write away."

For those who truly understood Tezuka, right now he was wearing his mask of indifference over his face of utter shock.

"Madam, it's obvious that you have the wrong person…that couldn't have possibly been…"

"omg! Ur so silly! Lol!"

"…never mind."

Tezuka concluded that the girl was most likely a little lost.

"You said you played tennis very well, did you not? Better than I?"

"Yeppers! Omg! Lol!"

-

_A few moments later_

Tezuka stared in shock at his hand.

_I-it's not possible._

He looked up, not believing what was happening to him.

_Is it possible…for someone to be so bad at tennis?_

"omg! Tat wasnt fare! U did somthing 2 the ball!"

"That was a completely simple forehand! How could you have missed it if you're as good as you say?"

"…Shut up! Ur jus goin easy on me coz u lyke me."

Tezuka clenched his fist, refusing to lift it up to smack his forehead. His expression void of any emotion soon veiled his actual thoughts. Kunimitsu Tezuka had a plan.

"Fine, let's try again."

_Pok!_

The tennis ball arched over the net smoothly before smacking the girl on her chin. It was already quite amusing to watch her try to run around the court wearing her ridiculous outfit.

_Pok!_

This one whacked her straight on the forehead, leaving a loud red mark.

_Pok!_

Eye.

_Pok!_

Cheek.

_Pok!_

Belly.

_Pok! Pok! Pok!_

And once again the steady hollow sound of balls bouncing across the tennis court permeated the atmosphere.


End file.
